Today and tonight we spent most of our group time getting to know one another. We each stood in front of the group and introduced ourselves, told either what our journey has been so far to bring us to this place, or what we hope to leave behind, as well as gain by moving through this process. As I debated what to say, how much to share & how to say it, I decided to be vague rather than specific in explaining my journey thus far.
For a while now I have realized that I've wrapped much of my identity around the sexual violence I experienced as a teenager. I have never considered myself a victim, but I have always considered it the single most defining moment in my life. It changed me. It broke me. It shattered all reality that I held sacred and dear. It took my innocence and love and turned it into shame and despair. I have always included it in the story of my life, which is okay, because it's a part of who I am. A major part. But as I realized tonight, I'd always made it the main part. The defining part.
Tonight, what I am leaving behind is the mentality that the sexual assault I experienced was the greatest defining moment of who I am and where I've been. Tonight, I commit that this experience, here and now, learning to know the love and freedom of Jesus in heart, not only my head, IS the SINGLE most defining moment and greatest life altering experience I can ever or will ever have. Everything, including that violence in my life has been leading me here. It has been shaping me and molding me into exactly who I need to be to do the work set out before me.
Though it broke me, I have been rebuilt. For a long time I thought I had done the repairing myself. I was arrogant to think that. There is no way someone can come out of the darkness I was in without the brightest light in the universe calling them forth. I worked incredibly hard, don’t get me wrong, but the healing and repair that has come into my life in the last 10 years was not man made. It was divine. And now, I'm here and I'm ready to be broken again and rebuilt with His best plans laid out before me.
I used to say my life has been divided into two parts. Before and After. I actually wrote a piece with that title. And now I sit here and think, it's funny, the timing. I spent the first 16 years of my life in joy, love and hope. I spent the next 16 years of my life in despair, anguish and disgust that over time morphed into acceptance, healing and renewal. And now, after the first 16 years (chapter 1) and the second 16 (chapter 2), I find myself facing the GREATEST journey of my life. My journey back to the Lord. My discovery of Him as He is. My head knowledge becoming heart knowledge. My opening up and giving up my life to Him so that His plans and purpose can be carried out through me.
I like Chapter 3. The chapter in which I chose to walk with God for the rest of my life. The third and final chapter. The chapter where it all really begins.
Today and tonight we spent most of our group time getting to know one another. We each stood in front of the group and introduced ourselves, told either what our journey has been so far to bring us to this place, or what we hope to leave behind, as well as gain by moving through this process. As I debated what to say, how much to share & how to say it, I decided to be vague rather than specific in explaining my journey thus far.
For a while now I have realized that I've wrapped much of my identity around the sexual violence I experienced as a teenager. I have never considered myself a victim, but I have always considered it the single most defining moment in my life. It changed me. It broke me. It shattered all reality that I held sacred and dear. It took my innocence and love and turned it into shame and despair. I have always included it in the story of my life, which is okay, because it's a part of who I am. A major part. But as I realized tonight, I'd always made it the main part. The defining part.
Tonight, what I am leaving behind is the mentality that the sexual assault I experienced was the greatest defining moment of who I am and where I've been. Tonight, I commit that this experience, here and now, learning to know the love and freedom of Jesus in heart, not only my head, IS the SINGLE most defining moment and greatest life altering experience I can ever or will ever have. Everything, including that violence in my life has been leading me here. It has been shaping me and molding me into exactly who I need to be to do the work set out before me.
Though it broke me, I have been rebuilt. For a long time I thought I had done the repairing myself. I was arrogant to think that. There is no way someone can come out of the darkness I was in without the brightest light in the universe calling them forth. I worked incredibly hard, don’t get me wrong, but the healing and repair that has come into my life in the last 10 years was not man made. It was divine. And now, I'm here and I'm ready to be broken again and rebuilt with His best plans laid out before me.
I used to say my life has been divided into two parts. Before and After. I actually wrote a piece with that title. And now I sit here and think, it's funny, the timing. I spent the first 16 years of my life in joy, love and hope. I spent the next 16 years of my life in despair, anguish and disgust that over time morphed into acceptance, healing and renewal. And now, after the first 16 years (chapter 1) and the second 16 (chapter 2), I find myself facing the GREATEST journey of my life. My journey back to the Lord. My discovery of Him as He is. My head knowledge becoming heart knowledge. My opening up and giving up my life to Him so that His plans and purpose can be carried out through me.
I like Chapter 3. The chapter in which I chose to walk with God for the rest of my life. The third and final chapter. The chapter where it all really begins.
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