LETTER OF LOVE

This is a letter I received yesterday from one of my incredible high school girls from the youth group I work with back home. I have known her for the last 3 years and have always just had a huge spot in my heart for her difficult journey through life. This was such an encouraging letter to receive! I love you girl!!


I can't even begin to thank you enough for what you've done for me. From the moment our paths crossed you've been a continuous blessing in my life. Thank you for loving me and caring about me enough to not give up on me and walk away...even when I was so undeserving. Thank you for always being there to talk me through things, calm me down, and sometimes just to listen to me talk. Thank you for calling me out on things that I need to be called out on! You have always been gentle with me (much appreciated btw), even when I'm sure you would have rather shook me and told me to get it together. (= I honestly do not know what my life would be like, or if I would even be here if it were not for you. And I know that sounds sort of dramatic, but it's true. Before you, I had never met anyone who seemed to understand me, or even take the time to try and understand me like you have. You have somehow managed to get through to me and teach me things that no one else has been able to. You have taught me what it means to let go, to forgive, and to move on. You have taught me that sometimes it's okay to just be. It doesn't always have to be okay, I don't always have to be okay. It's okay to just let myself feel. Through watching you, I have learned how to better love God, love people, love myself, and how to let myself be loved. I think one of the greatest things you have taught me is that I am okay just being me. I no longer feel as if I have to pretend, or put on a front in order to feel good enough for someone else. Thank you for never losing faith in me and always reassuring me that I am worthy. Finally (well not really, but I guess I have to stop writing sometime), Thank you for letting me into your world, and for making mine so much better.

I love you.

HAKANI

I urge you to listen to the podcast of Susi Childers, my leader and mentor here, as she describes a journey in her life that has led to transformation not only herself, but in the lives of many individuals, an ancient tribe and nation as a whole. It is the story of a girl who survived the practice of infanticide (killing children) in indigenous tribes in the Amazon. They believe that if a child is born to a single mother, as a twin or triplet or with a physical or mental handicap that the child has no soul and has an evil spirit dwelling within. They believe that when the child dies and lets out the last breath, the evil spirit exits the body with that breath and will inhabit another person. Therefore, tribal customs involve not only killing the child, but burying it alive. This is so that the last breath is exhaled under the earth and the evil spirit released remains trapped under the earth and cannot transfer into another body. The story of Hakani is one of death, life, courage and determination. Hakani means "smile" and it's the perfect name for this child. I cannot do the story justice, please take the time to listen for yourself. Click the link and then chose the hour long podcast released 4/16 (Hearing and Obeying God's Voice, Part 5) entitled Susi Childers shares her experience in the Amazon.

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/hearing-obeying-gods-voice/id367085080?i=82397393

It's an hour long, but it's so worth the time. It's a continuation from the previous day's talk, which unfortunately didn't get recorded, so if some of it doesn't make sense just bear with it. The first 9 or so minutes are more of a recap from the previous day so you can fast forward through those if you want. Once in a while, someone in the class talks and since they don't have the microphone, it may sound silent for a bit, but hang in there. Also, Susi has a German accent, so you may not understand a word or two, but you'll get the idea. Oh, and her husband's name is Paul, so when she is referring to Paul, she's talking about him, not the Paul of the Bible!

She is incredible. Inspirational. So full of trust and faith in the Lord. A mover. A responder. Someone who obeys when God asks. She's incredible. Hakani's story is incredible. What one person can do with a little courage is incredible. GOD is incredible.

You can learn more and watch the movie through the link below. I encourage you to please listen to the podcast first though. Throw it on when you're in the car, on the treadmill, or just sitting in the living room. It would mean a lot to me for you to hear and know the woman who is guiding me through this time, a bit about her experiences and the ways that photography DOES impact the world to heal and repair God's people.

http://www.photogenx.net/index.php?option=com_wrapper&view=wrapper&Itemid=118

Hakani and her adoptive parents are in Kona this year, staying at the YWAM base. They were invited to come and be part of YWAM's 50th Anniversary celebrations happening later this year. A group of us happened to run into Hakani and her parents when we were downtown, the same day we listened to Susi's story. It was amazing. She was smiling, hula dancing and having a great time. She showed us pictures of her tribe and relatives. We asked her adoptive mother if they have taken her back to visit the tribe and she told us that they had done so once, and Hakani stopped speaking for 3 months following. They felt the trauma was just too intense, so they have said if she chooses to go back and visit when she grows up, she can. She is remarkable. I really hope you listen to the podcast.

Here are a few pictures from our meeting with Hakani:

CHAPTER 3 - TESTIMONY

Today and tonight we spent most of our group time getting to know one another. We each stood in front of the group and introduced ourselves, told either what our journey has been so far to bring us to this place, or what we hope to leave behind, as well as gain by moving through this process. As I debated what to say, how much to share & how to say it, I decided to be vague rather than specific in explaining my journey thus far.

For a while now I have realized that I've wrapped much of my identity around the sexual violence I experienced as a teenager. I have never considered myself a victim, but I have always considered it the single most defining moment in my life. It changed me. It broke me. It shattered all reality that I held sacred and dear. It took my innocence and love and turned it into shame and despair. I have always included it in the story of my life, which is okay, because it's a part of who I am. A major part. But as I realized tonight, I'd always made it the main part. The defining part.

Tonight, what I am leaving behind is the mentality that the sexual assault I experienced was the greatest defining moment of who I am and where I've been. Tonight, I commit that this experience, here and now, learning to know the love and freedom of Jesus in heart, not only my head, IS the SINGLE most defining moment and greatest life altering experience I can ever or will ever have. Everything, including that violence in my life has been leading me here. It has been shaping me and molding me into exactly who I need to be to do the work set out before me.

Though it broke me, I have been rebuilt. For a long time I thought I had done the repairing myself. I was arrogant to think that. There is no way someone can come out of the darkness I was in without the brightest light in the universe calling them forth. I worked incredibly hard, don’t get me wrong, but the healing and repair that has come into my life in the last 10 years was not man made. It was divine. And now, I'm here and I'm ready to be broken again and rebuilt with His best plans laid out before me.

I used to say my life has been divided into two parts. Before and After. I actually wrote a piece with that title. And now I sit here and think, it's funny, the timing. I spent the first 16 years of my life in joy, love and hope. I spent the next 16 years of my life in despair, anguish and disgust that over time morphed into acceptance, healing and renewal. And now, after the first 16 years (chapter 1) and the second 16 (chapter 2), I find myself facing the GREATEST journey of my life. My journey back to the Lord. My discovery of Him as He is. My head knowledge becoming heart knowledge. My opening up and giving up my life to Him so that His plans and purpose can be carried out through me.

I like Chapter 3. The chapter in which I chose to walk with God for the rest of my life. The third and final chapter. The chapter where it all really begins.

This is the piece I wrote a few years ago that I was referring to in my previous post. It was written on 2.25.07, just over 3 years ago. At the time, I titled it BEFORE & AFTER. Though now I view it as Chapters 1 & 2. Still to come... Chapter 3, Chapter free.

I AM:

honest 99% of the time

not impressed by ego or bravado

happier than I’ve ever been

single by *choice*

complex

...searching...

healing

hard on myself

disheartened by the state of the world

crestfallen by cruelty of any manner or degree

disappointed by a significant portion of society

endlessly encouraged by the rest

loving to a fault

the feeder that often goes hungry

full of creativity and compelled to manifest it

thankful to have survived my past

I WANT:

people to be less vain, and more honest

a utopian society

to find personal success

to live my dreams

to break free of the boundaries I feel harness me

to travel the world

to stop fearing letting others down, namely my parents.

to find a love, lover, companion, friend & ally.

to be understood

my generosity to be met, just 50% of the time.

to form a deeper connection to my spiritual self

to listen more and talk less

I DREAM:

of a nourished, sheltered, educated & peaceful world

of mothering a child

** BIG **

of people rising up to their true potential, myself included

of achieving something on my "I WANT” list

of money losing it’s value and humans having to reassess

*vividly*

of the end of religious war

of continuing to become a better version of myself

of what's to come. . .

I HAVE:

traveled a very rocky road.

punished myself a lifetime’s worth

become someone I'm extremely proud of

been unbelievably blessed

loved, lost, longed, learned, and loved again.

arrived, left and managed to stay very still

written a lot of poetry

chosen optimism as a way of life

lived a life divided into two distinct parts:

Before & After

Survived

Evolved

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Become ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~